Constance Osuchowski

I Want To Wade Into The Lake MidWinter, 2019

This project started out as an impulse I Want To Wade Into The Lake Midwinter, I was upset at myself, and thought how cool and good the water might feel, that maybe it could clear my head. I caught myself why why why why why, it’s silly obviously, the water would most likely kill me.

I find myself wishing that the way I hurt was palatable, that my pain could be quirky, my feelings distilled into one “you’re so hot when you’re angry” yes please! Tell me I cry pretty! Tell me I want to die pretty! When women attempt suicide they are more likely to choose death by overdose, nothing too loud, nothing too messy. Even in the ultimate place of pain that someone can experience, we feel as though we cannot over-step, we cannot leave behind anything to clean up. We must float ourselves down the river, garlanded in gold and flowers, to softly drown.

This is obviously personal, as I am its sole subject. It represents my own existence in the environment of my body, and how that affects my body’s place in a physical environment. As an artist I have been exposed to the “tortured artist” trope for a long time. The myth that in order to make good art I have to use my pain, make it worth something. So this is me taking it literally, if I am going to hurt myself anyway why not do it on camera? If I’m going to walk why not barefoot? I wanted to look at the aesthetics of pain, the ways it can be artistic, eye-catching, satisfying, for both viewer and artist. And how, for women, this means that their pain is trivialized, reduced to a medium, like clay, to be molded into something that people will want to look at.

I want to wade into the lake midwinter, that much is part of me

……..unspooling myself…………melting into the water I become a

stream……….. I flow formless……thoughtless…….touchless feeling is

not expected of me nothing is expected of me